It’s been a year and a half since I last posted anything. So what the heck have I been doing? Well, to be honest, I’ve just been surviving. One month after my last post, Desiree took a job at a lawyers office. Covid caused us to close down the daycare… so she decided she wanted to go to work and I was going to stay home with the kids and homeschool them.
This was a huge shock to our systems. Having her gone Monday through Friday wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy on the kids and it wasn’t easy on us… but we’ve adjusted and even though it still sucks that she’s gone, we’re getting used to it. Yes, a year and a half later and we’re still just getting used to it. Honestly, I don’t think we will ever truly be used to it. When our hearts are as connected as ours are, it’s hard not being together 24/7 like we were… but like I said, we’re getting used to it as much as we possibly can.
So in the last year, what has been going on? Life. The kids are doing well. They’re growing like weeds. They are loving homeschooling. Right now with it being winter, they’re battling some cabin fever, just like I am. Spring will be here soon enough and I plan on us being outside a lot so they can run around and get some of their energy out. They need it. I need it. I love my kids and love being able to be home with them, but sometimes it’s hard on me. I miss human interaction… and it’s hard because between the anxiety meds I’m on and being away from human interaction so much, it feels like I don’t know how to even interact with people anymore. I know how to be Daddy to my kids but I feel like I’ve lost being Timmy, the man. Yes, the man 😉 … so there are times where it’s tough being a stay at home Dad.
My meds. Man, my meds. I went through a rough patch back in September. I knew my meds were off. I knew something wasn’t right inside of me. So I went to my doctor’s office and asked for an increase in my meds. We ended up changing my meds and trying that out. It took a few months and multiple increases but we finally got things to a place where I wasn’t having panic attacks and feeling extreme waves of anxiety.
That should be a good thing, right? No panic attacks are great. Not battling extreme anxiety is good… but now I don’t feel much of anything. I’m just existing. I don’t have a passion for anything. I’m not as outgoing and full of life like I once was. I’m not myself anymore. I feel like I’m a shell of myself… and that really sucks. The positive about this med is that I’m not gaining any weight (having a hard time losing weight though) and there’s no sexual side effects from this medication… but I’m a shell of myself. Some people would say “just change your meds again”… the problem with that is so many anxiety and depression medications cause weight gain and sexual side effects. Those are two things I’m not okay with having. So I feel like I’m stuck. I used to have so many things that I was passionate about… and now, they’re just “eh” to me. That makes me sad. That has taken me to a place of depression that I never thought I’d be in. I sleep terribly. I’m exhausted all day. I want to do something but have zero desire to actually get up and do it. I survive through another day. Then I go to bed and the cycle starters all over again. It’s depressing.
I look forward to my weekends with Desiree and the kids. She’s always telling me I should go out and do something with one of my friends… but the truth is, we get so little time together that when she’s home, I just want to have family time. The weekends go by so fast and then it’s time to start another week. I hate it. Do I miss being social and seeing friends? Sure, to an extent I do… but I’m not the same friend they’re all used to. I’m not the same light hearted goofball I once was. That side of me just isn’t there anymore. I miss that person. I think I lost a lot of that person when I quit drinking. It’s hard to hang out with drinking buddies when you don’t drink anymore. I gave up drinking because I didn’t want to be drunk with my kids around. Now, my doctor tells me I shouldn’t drink at all because of my liver levels. (not that I’m a drinker anymore anyways. I haven’t really drank in many years) Just another negative health issue.
But I also have a hard time going out and doing anything because of Covid. The truth is, and this is me keeping it 100% real, I’m scared to do things. I’m scared to get Covid. I’m scared of Desiree getting Covid. We both have health issues. Especially asthma. We quarantined for a long time once the pandemic started and it’s hard to come out of that shell. We go places and wear our masks the entire time. We don’t let the kids go in anywhere with us because Beauie Boy won’t keep his mask on and I don’t want him getting Covid and passing it onto Desiree or me. I’m a man of faith, but how much faith do I really have if I don’t even trust God to keep me and my family safe during a pandemic? But the truth is, I’ve seen too many Christian people get the virus and end up really sick. I don’t know how to get past this fear.
My health issues don’t help either. I’ve dealt with one thing after another and it’s gotten really old, really quickly. I just want to be healthy. I just want to sleep a solid 8hrs at night… but it’s hard to sleep. My arms constantly fall asleep. My back is shot and causes me issues all the time. Finding out I have Central Sensitization was a blessing and a curse. Finding out I have Degenerative Disc Disease was a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it’s nice to know what’s wrong. A curse because I know what is wrong with me. It’s a catch 22.
What is Central Sensitization?
Central sensitization occurs when a person becomes more sensitive to pain. The central nervous system is made up of the brain and the spinal cord. Abnormalities in the way the central nervous system processes pain may be responsible for the symptoms experienced in chronic pain disorders.
What causes central sensitization disorders?
Doctors aren’t really sure what causes central sensitization disorders, but most agree that the brains of people who have it sense pain differently. Because the central nervous system is in a persistent state of hyperactivity, the patient may experience pain with things that aren’t normally painful, or have increased sensitivity to a painful stimuli.
Central sensitization can lead to heightened sensitivities across all senses, not just the sense of touch. Patients can sometimes have sensitivities to lights, odors and sounds. Patients may have poor concentration or poor short-term memory. Increased levels of emotional distress, particularly anxiety may also be associated with central sensitization.
Some cases of centralized pain seem to be triggered by an event — like an infection or illness, physical injury, or emotional upset. Genetic factors also might play a role.
Although central sensitization disorders are a chronic condition, its symptoms may come and go. They can be mild at times, and at other times so severe that they interfere with normal activities. Many kids with chronic pain can attend school regularly, but their abilities vary depending upon the severity of their symptoms.
Symptoms of central sensitization disorders include:
Widespread pain
Fatigue, poor sleep
Headaches
Anxiety and depression
Poor memory or concentration
7 years is a long time to have a battle going on inside your mind. I’ll continue to fight and move forward but my God it’s frustrating. Today I am tired. Today I am feeling drained. I hate days like this. Days where I know there’s a lot I could do, but I have zero desire to do anything. Zero ambition. Zero drive. Zero passion for anything… but then again, here I sit, writing… something that I love to do but haven’t done in forever. I wish I were working on Draven Acres but this will have to work for now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have more passion to write more of Draven Acres. Maybe I won’t… either way, it’s okay because I’m allowed to have good days and I’m allowed to have bad days and I’m allowed to have in between days. So maybe I’ll write more tomorrow, maybe I won’t. I guess we’ll see. Don’t give up, Timmy Tabor… this too shall pass…
Tabor Town 