So these posts are for the Tabor Town Homestead and More… This post will most definitely fall under the “more” category. Today I’m going to share some very personal information. Information that’s hopefully going to educate some of you and at least shine a light on some topics that are serious to my family and me. These are things that have been going on for a year and a half/two years now… And while its been the hardest couple of years for me, I’ve learned so much and have come so far.
So as a lot of you know, a couple years ago I had a bunch of health problems with my head. They were worried it may have been seizures or an aneurysm or a stroke etc. After being hospitalized and months of insane tests, they determined it was a severe form of migraines called Ice Pick Headaches/Migraines. (Thank God that’s all it was.)
Well, shortly after that, I began feeling off. I would be light headed. My chest started to ache and feel tight. I’d feel nauseous… For the most part I just let it go… But I kept telling my wife “babe, I just feel off, I don’t feel right.” Well, one Friday, I was really feeling off. Desi asked me to get up and go outside with her and our daughter. I got up and headed outside. Once out there, I was so discombobulated. I could barely walk five feet without feeling like I was going to pass out. So Desi took me to the hospital. When we got there, they said my pulse was sky high. This is when I found out I had anxiety and panic attacks. This would start such a hard journey for us.
My family doctor at the time was terrible with anxiety situations. He had no idea how to treat me. He also didn’t seem like he really wanted to treat me. His reply was just “you need to go see a psychiatrist.” After many months of going back and forth with my doctor, I decided he was no longer the doctor for me. While all of this was going on, I started seeing a therapist… He was a great guy that really helped me figure out what was going on with me.
He diagnosed me with PTSD. Immediately, because of my lack of knowledge about it, I said “that can’t be right, I’ve never been in the military.” He told me he had a feeling I would say that and that I needed to learn about PTSD, who it affects and how it affects them. So he began educating me and he was 100% right. I have PTSD.
Many of you know our sweet Charlie Girl was very sick when she was just a little over a year old. She was sent to Albany Med and thanks to God, the wonderful doctors and nurses and our love, she was fine… However, she was very sick when she was there and it really messed me up. So after she got out, I was terrified of her getting sick again and ending up back in the hospital. So I suddenly became obsessed with germs. From there, I stopped taking Charlie Girl out in public. If she had to be in public, I would panic. I would need meds to calm me down. It would make me physically ill having her around all these germs. It got in my head and I was suddenly obsessed. I no longer wanted to be in public. I stopped going to family functions. I stopped going to see friends. I had a hard time letting people around us. Everywhere you look, germs. I’d use my sleeve to open a door or pump gas. As soon as I got home I would take the shirt off and wash up before I’d even touch Charlie. It consumed my life… And sadly it consumed my families life. I used to go grocery shopping with my mom. I no longer went. I tried going to Wal-Mart one day with my oldest daughter and her boyfriend and while walking through the parking lot toward Wal-Mart, I started panicking so bad that I needed to go sit in the truck and wait for them. It was such a horrible feeling. I had zero control. I didn’t even feel like myself anymore. My family knew I wasn’t the same either.
One day after a rough few days, my therapist suggested I go to the ER to get more medication. (The family doctor we had, we were no longer going to and any doctor we called to see me couldn’t see me for a month.) So on a Friday night I had my wife take me to the ER, which was very difficult because of my anxiety and my fear of germs. When we got there, they got me right in and said I should see someone they had working there named Crystal Baker. We went into our room/area and in walked this smiling beautiful face. Immediately we felt at ease. Something about her was just calming. She asked what was going on. We explained the entire story and she showed such compassion. She looked at me and said “I just want to help you feel better, don’t worry, we will get everything figured out!”… I sat there with tears in my eyes. She was amazing. So we asked if she saw people regularly or just at the ER. Come to find out, she worked in an office. She told me to call and they’d get me in the next week. I walked out of that place feeling like a new person. My anxiety was there. My fear of germs was still there but I now had a doctor that really cared and just wanted to help. She changed my world with her compassion and her heart to help.
Fast forward to present day. Its been a long journey. I found out part of my anxiety and PTSD comes from a couple of things. Obviously from my daughter being so sick. I also have a huge fear of dying early and leaving my family without their father, husband, son, brother etc. That all stems from one of my best friends, Nicholas Clute who suddenly passed away at the age of 20 from an aneurysm, leaving behind a beautiful wife and two amazing kids. It also stems from the loss of a good friend Josh Davis who lost his life tragically at a young age, leaving his family. Both of those situations really affected me.
The thing with PTSD, Anxiety and Panic Attacks is this… You can take meds… And it can help you feel somewhat normal again, but you’re never exactly the same. You always deal with it. You have some days that are way better than others, but sometimes out of nowhere, you have a real bad day. Or a bad moment. Or a few bad days. Sometimes something triggers it. Maybe its an article about sicknesses. Maybe its a segment on TV about babies being sick. Maybe its a Facebook post you read about someone having the flu or the stomach bug (two things that really get my anxiety going)… Sometimes its something as simple as a bad smell that kind of turns my stomach. For most people its just a bad smell. For me, the smell turns my stomach and immediately I’m worried I’m getting the stomach bug, which spreads like wild fire, I start thinking “what if Charlie Girl gets it and gets really sick?” etc…
You see? Its exhausting. At the same time, a lot of days (way more than it used to be), I can be out in public with no problems. I actually take Charlie out shopping with me all the time. I’ve taken Beau with me. I go shopping with my mother again. I’ve been to the ER, Urgent Care and Wal-Mart without needing meds before I go… I’m doing so much better than I was… But that doesn’t mean I might not wake up tomorrow and have a bad day. Saturday morning was one of those days. I woke up and had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in quite some time. It happens. Its been one of the hardest months/month and a halfs that I can ever remember.
For a long time, even with this craziness in our lives, we were living the good life. Everything kept falling in place for us. Our faith was strong and we were on our way to having our dream. Our small little cabin, in the woods with a creek behind us. We were going to start homesteading finally. Everything was headed in the right direction. Then, about a month/month and a half ago, everything changed.
Our dream home, The Tabor Town Homestead, was put on a massive hold when the location was no longer an option. We then began looking for property. We found property that we loved but the good ol’ state of New York won’t allow us to build the way we want and or live the way we want. We found a piece of property in Missouri that we could buy and live there however we wanted. We were so excited about it, but then the reality kicked in. If we took that property we would be 17-18 hours away from our families and friends. So we decided right now is not the right time for us to go. So we go back to looking for something here… But because we only have $10,000 tops right now, we’re unable to find much. Then my best friend that’s more like a brother than a friend and his wife find out their daughter Giada (#giadastrong) has germ cell cancer. While all this is happening, I wake up with massive chest pains and end up in the hospital. Thank God I did not have a heart attack, but this ride still isn’t over.
My EKG’s and ultrasound of my heart were abnormal. They believe the chest pains were anxiety/PTSD related. They ruled out blood clots in my lungs (thank God) but they still want to find out what’s going on. So later in this month, I need to go to St. Peter’s for an MRI of my heart. I’m believing everything will come back absolutely fine. With that said, its been insane.
Through it all though, as hectic and sometimes straight up devastating as its been, we’re still so incredibly blessed. Has it been the most trying times of our lives together? Yes, absolutely. Have we found ourselves down some days? Yes we have. The fact is, when you have a dream and a goal, and you’re so close to achieving your dream that you can feel it in your soul… and then in a blink of an eye its gone… Its devastating. Right now we were supposed to be fixing up the inside of our cabin so we could move in by August 1st. Instead of that, we’re scrambling to find a place to live. Instead of homesteading and enjoying our dream, we’re spending countless hours looking for something, anything that could keep our dream alive. Even with that said… Even with the craziness with my health the past couple years and all the other craziness that’s happened, at the end of the day we’re still so much luckier than so many others. Are we moving into our dream cabin right now? No, we’re not, but at least we’re not homeless. Is it sad that $10,000 just doesn’t seem to be enough to keep our dream going? Of course it is, but at least we have $10,000 to put toward something, even if it is an apartment in the city or an old mobile home in a trailer park that needs a lot of work. Has this anxiety/panic attacks and PTSD been really tough? Yes, at times it really has been… But at Albany Med right now, is a sweet little girl that we love and adore that’s going through her second round of chemo. So again, while what I’m going through and what my family is going through, has been really tough, in comparison, we’re still so incredibly blessed.
So how do I end this post? I think I’ll end it the way I was thinking about starting it…
My name is Tim (Timmy to most of you) Tabor. I’ll be 38 next month and I have PTSD and I sometimes suffer from panic attacks. I deal with anxiety more than some, but not as bad as others. I suffer with chronic migraines and am currently in the process of making sure my heart is doing what’s its supposed to. I love my family. I love my friends. I love animals. I love the outdoors and sports. I love to laugh and enjoy the little things in life. My wife and I love to love and try our hardest to raise our children with love and respect, with understanding and an open mind and good old fashioned morals that have seemed to disappear over the past few years… We spend most of our time at home, with our kids and with each other. If you have not seen us much over the past couple years, please know its nothing personal… Just sometimes its really difficult for us to go places… Sometimes because of work schedules… Sometimes because of the kids… Sometimes because of the health problems I’ve faced. We still love all of you and would like to believe we don’t need to see all of you all the time in order for us to remain friends…
My wife and I do not go to church, but we do love our God and we do have a lot of faith lately. Without it, we don’t think we’d be where we are right now. We most likely would have thrown in the towel by now if we didn’t have our faith to hold onto. We enjoy watching a couple of churches online. At some point, I wouldn’t be surprised to see us at a couple of church services, but right now, watching online has been good for us.
As for the reason I’ve decided to share all of this… Well, I was tired of hiding behind it. 9 out of 10 people could see me out and about and never know what has been going on inside my head. I’m sure some of you are reading this and are shocked by it… But the fact is, I’ve always been an open book. I’ve always just been me. I don’t like to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m still me… I’m still an idiot and make my wife and kids laugh by doing something completely off the wall… I’m still a helpless romantic and love to make my wife smile. I still love being a daddy to my two girls and my almost 4 month old son more than any job I’ve ever had. I’m no different… And other than not seeing me much the past couple years and me gaining way more weight than ever (thanks meds, and yes Hiram, my winter diet hasn’t helped either 😉 ), you’d never think anything different of me. I’m still the same guy that loves his NY Giants. I’m still the same guy that loves corny puns. I’m still the same guy that enjoys good music. I actually rely on it even more these days than ever before lol… I’m still me… I’m just a different version of me… And there’s so many others out there that deal with these type of issues. They’re not “mental cases” or “head cases”… We’re just normal human beings… With a chemical imbalance in our heads. We didn’t ask for this. We wish we could completely get rid of it… But we can’t… Maybe with time it’ll go away… Maybe it’ll be around for the rest of our lives… Either way, I’m okay… I’m happy… I’m loved and I love… I’m dealing with crazy hectic issues like everyone else does… The only difference is that sometimes things pile up and pile up and it’s almost like sensory overload lol… What I ask of all of you is for your positive thoughts… Your prayers… And your patience when its needed. I ask that if you’re someone that doesn’t fully understand different mental health issues (I hate the terms they use for it), please take the time to ask questions. I know I personally have zero issues answering any questions. If you know someone that has some issues like these, try to understand… Love on them… You have no idea how much it might mean to them.
Until next time… Love one another 🙏❤